Then, one day, everything changed.

The first weeks check put more money in my checking account that I think I’ve ever owned on my own. Not only was I able to make rent, I could pay bills and debt and still have enough money left over to be comfortable. Now the next months rent and bill cycle is coming and I don’t feel I have to fear whether or not this cup of coffee I’m using to wake myself up has zapped the last of my cushion. I know I’m okay.

And I’m okay because God comes through on His promises.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

~Matthew 6:25-27

I knew that God was with me during this entire experience but I have to admit, I thought He didn’t care too much at the beginning. After I realized what He was allowing me to go through, I made the effort to change my mind. It wasn’t always easy, but I was determined to follow through and trust Him. I figured after all He’s done for me I could give him a mustard seeds worth of faith. I owed Him that much at least.

This wilderness experience has taught me to trust God to provide. Now I can honestly say I’ve reached the end of this dark forest which I was lost in. I won’t say I’m out of the wilderness because now that I’m financially stable, I find that I no longer have any time–no time for myself, no time for errands, no time for family, no time for friends… well, not “no” time, but significantly less.

I know me well enough to know that if I am not careful I can get depressed (running on 4 hours of sleep with an average 17 hour work day will do that) and regress into resentment and complaining, but I refuse to complain about a blessing and new challenge. God has shifted me from learning to trust Him financially to trusting Him with my time.

Because lurking in the hidden parts of my mind is the fear that I’ll never be able to travel or reach any of the other goals I’ve had all my life. I can feel these fears gnawing and scratching at my new found security causing wounds of doubt to form.

But I refuse. I will trust and I will obey. I am thankful for where I am, what I’ve been through, what I’m going through and where I’m going. I will not doubt, I will trust. I will not fear, I will trust.

I’ve reached the end of one leg of this journey and I’m reveling in the sunshine and that’s all there is to it.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Tomorrow I go back to my official job as a teacher. This summer has been a… an unusual one. Many things have happened during my time in the wilderness.

To best explain where I am, here’s an analogy.

When I stared this journey I couldn’t see the forest or the trees. All I saw, all I knew was that I was lost, I was scarred and I was angry. I was angry at myself for getting myself into this situation. I was angry at God for keeping me here. I was angry at myself for daring to have the gall to be angry at God.

Once the anger cooled a bit, I found I was still lost and directionless and unable to see the bigger picture–so I decided I’d keep moving forward.

Now I see the trees–they’re pretty big. They block my view of the horizon, but I’ve also learned a number of things on this journey:

I’ve learned that everything is meaningless except and without God (thanks Ecclesiastes).

I’m beginning to understand why I shouldn’t worry about tomorrow.

I’m learning how to live in the moment and be thankful for today.

I’m learning to see the blessing in my situation and take control of what still sucks that I can do something about.

I’m learning to stop complaining and start being thankful.

I’m learning that it’s okay to be afraid and even better to let God know what I’m afraid of.

I’m learning it’s okay to let go of that fear, even if the situation isn’t resolved. 

Now, even though I’m still stuck in this wilderness, I’m not as lost. Each blocked path is punctuated by a new opening that I wouldn’t have seen without my time in the darkness. And even if/when the new openings are blocked, I’m learning that that, then, was not the path for me–and I’m not freaking out about it anymore.

I’m not out of these woods yet, and I’m learning to accept that. I think that the sooner I accept that I am stuck in this wilderness and am helpless to get myself out, the sooner I’ll be led out.

Jesus was in the wilderness 40 days, Noah the same. Paul went out to be tested and trained for 14 years, Moses was out for… what… 80?

I’m learning that I’m not in that bad of a situation. It’s not ideal and I know that there’s something better out there for me, but maybe I’m not ready for it and God has been waiting for me to get to a place where I realize that. I know He knows the bigger picture and I simply need to shut up and trust Him. My Father is not blind or deaf or lacking in compassion. He has blessed me more than I have acknowledged and I should feel feel dumb for that… and I do… but not for long because I’m going to try to make it right with Him, learn from this continued experience and continue to move forward.

He’ll get me out of here when He’s done teaching me what I need to learn.

 
Don’t excuse yourself by saying, “Look, we didn’t know.”

      For God understands all hearts, and he sees you.

   He who guards your soul knows you knew.

      He will repay all people as their actions deserve.

~Proverbs 24:12

The Evolution vs Creation debate probably won’t be resolved until the end of humanity. Obviously I’ve chosen which side of the debate I’m on and I’m assuming that anyone else who professes to follow Christ has chosen their side as well.

I submit that anyone who acknowledges their own existence or the existence of morals, or the existence of the concept of morals, or the existence of the concept of concepts, has also chosen their side.

Before I begin my potentially loquacious musings about this debate, let me just share a few things. My biases and warnings if you will.

1. I think evolution and creation can coexist. In fact, I think evolution is very real. I’m evolving everyday (get it? HA!)

2. However, I do NOT believe we are accidental snot-fish-monkeys that decided to stand up. I think that’s silly.

3. I am not a short winded writer (sorry about that… kinda) so I’ll try (key word is TRY) to be succinct.

4. This entry is much more opinion based than anything I’ve written before. These are just my opinions. Feel free to agree or disagree with whatever you like… just don’t troll. Please don’t be a troll.

Now… let us begin.

 Example 1: Our Existence

Here’s the deal. Think about it. Think. 

What’s easier to swallow? We’re all accidents of circumstance that started from nothing, became something by some unknown means, spontaneously morphed into a single bacteria organism that got microwaved into a multi-celled organism, that morphed into a fish until it got microwaved into a monkey and the monkey all of a sudden realized it could think and decided the walking on all fours deal kinda sucked and decided to stand up and viola, humanity is born!

Or

We were created in the image and likeness of God Himself.

We’re all creative in some way or another. We all create. We all think. We all have morals and when we’re born normal and healthy, we all have pretty much the same things going on.

No one has gills even though you’d think people who rely on water for their livelihoods would’ve developed them by now. No one has fur, but people who live in the snow could probably use fur. No one has stripes and people who live in jungles or grasslands could probably use some camo.

What are the major biological differences between us? Eye color? Hair texture? Skin tone? All surface things. Every baby on this planet has the opportunity and potential to learn the language or culture of any language or culture system on this planet. The only things that really “separate” us are learned.

I submit that if evolution were real, not a theory but fact, then morality would be a waste of time, the X-men and Avatar would not be science fiction, and there should be other versions of humans walking around on this planet right now.

Think about this. We have the most helpless babies of any mammal species on the planet. Horses can run, what, hours after their born? Chimpanzees are six times stronger than us on our best days. Lions are freaking lions, and we’re top of the food chain? Really? Why? Because we can “out think” predators? Predators that are faster than us? Stronger too? Really?

In a fight, my 2 month old son would get pwnd by a 2 hour old chimp baby. I don’t buy it.

Also, look at morality itself. We can all agree that morals exist. We might not all agree about what’s moral and what’s not, but we can agree they exist, right? Well, were did morals come from? Why would a society based on survival of the fittest need morals? Evolution values the strong. Morals are for the weak.
Why? Because morals protect the group.

Example 2: Morality

For example–I’m hungry, you’ve got food. I want to eat so I take you’re food. You don’t like it. What are you going to do about it? Fight me or tell the police?

Evolution would say we fight. If one of us gets beaten or killed, well, that person shouldn’t have picked the fight or been too weak to finish it.

Morality says tell the police. Laws and junk get involved, etc, etc–weak. You didn’t handle the problem yourself. You snitched and had other people do it for you. That’s weak. Handle your business! Right? That’s what evolution suggests, isn’t it.

How did you prove you’re stronger in this way?

I suppose you could argue that morality is the evolution of conscious thought, and I won’t argue that point. That’s probably what it is.

But where did morality come from?

Where did consciousness come from?

How does thought evolve?

Example 3: The Earth

Take humanity out of the picture and look at our world. Take out all our pollution, all our influence, all our destruction and you’ll see a perfectly balanced ecosystem. The earth knows how to regulate it’s temperatures, food supplies, growth patterns, etc. The earth causes forest fires that restore forests, it’s causes earthquakes that create mountain ranges that effect the wind patterns, it causes rain to wash over and revitalize the land. Every medicine we have is based on something already found in nature. Everything we consume comes from nature and any artificial version we create from the natural world ends up screwing us up in one way or another because we can’t get right what the earth does just by existing.

In essence, our world is perfect.

How does perfection happen by accident? There are far too many random factors, elements, knowns and unknowns to take into account to account for the perfection of our world unless you consider the possibility that it was made to be perfect.

Example 4: Our bodies

Just as the earth’s ecosystem is perfect, we have the potential to be perfect as well.

Look at the human body. Let’s imagine for a minute that we were all born without some kind of defect or lack, without disease or illness and are perfectly normal. All of us are born with 10 fingers, 10 toes, one head, two eyes, etc. Each of us would come out the same except for the afore mentioned superficial physical variations.

Our hearts all beat, our limbs all move. We all learn, we all create, we all think, we all do. Our bodies know when it’s hurt, and how to heal. It knows when it’s happy, excited, sad, in danger, safe, hot, cold–and nobody needs to tell us these things (don’t believe me, look at a newborn. They know exactly what they want or need when they want or need it and know exactly how to communicate that need to you).

Again, none of us have gills, wings, stripes, fur, scales, etc. We’re all pretty much the same on the inside and when you think about it, the outside too. Sure, sure, the genetic differences that make black people black, Asian people Asian, freckled people freckled are important, but we all have hair, we all have melanin, we all have eyes, so technically we’re all pretty much physically the same.

My Bottom Line

There are a TON of ifs to explain when looking at our existence solely from a scientific point of view. Science has to explain how and why we are, how and why anything is and for the most part, it can’t. Science doesn’t even really know what light is.

It’s easier, to me, to think that who and what we are was created and designed with intention and not by cosmic goof. If that were the case we could all die now due to another cosmic goof. Yet we’ve been here for a while and unless we get really creative in all the ways we love to destroy ourselves… which we kinda are… we’ll be here for a while.

So for any and everyone who believes we really are cosmic goofs, there is no God, etc, thanks for being the leaders on faith. It really does take more faith to believe we’re all accidents than it does to believe we are for a purpose.

But you know what, that’s just me.
What do you think?

Whenever I think about the question: “If God is so loving, why do good people go to hell when they die?” I think about it like this:

Think about heaven like the aforementioned Awesomesauce party and you were invited but for whatever reason decided not to come. Whose fault would that be?

Let’s take a look.

The Hosts, God and Jesus, want you at this party. Like… Really, Really, REALLY want you there. They’ve got food, fun, music, anything you could want (well…. not anything, but you know what I’m getting at). They’ve given you directions, flyers, texted your iPhone, developed an app for that and all that good jazz and even laid out the conditions for entering the party:

You cannot bring your baggage to the party–you have to give it to the Hosts who will handle it for you (Matthew 11:28-30).

You have to give up your destructive ways–no one is allowed to suffer at the Aweseomsauce (Romans 6:23).

Don’t forget that you were invited to Awesomesauce and the invitation went out to all. The Hosts can and will handle all arrangements within (Ephesians 2:8-9).

You must cleans the grime off your feet, hands, heart and mind in Awesomesauce–don’t worry, the Hosts has plenty of soap (Galatians 5:19-26).

Once you are in Awesomesauce, you are in forever… unless you decide to leave which is… well… unadvised (Romans 8:38-39).

But before you get there someone who has been to the party or is also going does something absolutely foul to you. They call you fat, say the host hates your outfit (when they’re wearing something equally busted) or give you the wrong directions on purpose. All of a sudden you’re mad at the hosts like they did it. You decide not to go and end up at some other shindigg that’s cool for a while, but then you realize the hosts of that party just bought your arse and sold you into slavery ala Taken. The Hosts now have to Liam Neeson your butt, but even then some people would prefer not to go to Awesomesauce.

Unfortunately that happens all too often. Sometimes people mean well, sometimes they think they mean well, and sometimes people are unapologetic butt-wagons. No matter the case, you have to decide whose invitation means more–the Hosts (who want nothing but the best for you and will rescue you from whatever craptacular situation you find yourself in) or the misinformed guests (who are just as lost on the way to the party as you).

Oh, lets not forget a rather key issue–there is someone out there whose sole purpose in life is to make sure you don’t get into Awesomesauce. He got kicked out due to his own stupid ambition and now he wants you to suffer with him. This person finds absolute joy in your suffering. It makes him a giggly little school child when you’re in pain. He’ll disguise himself as your friend, your lover, your hobby, your habit, your whatever–whatever it takes to keep you out of Awesomesauce. Nothing is off limits. He will guilt you, shame you, embarrass you, harass you, scare you, confuse you, seduce you, lie like there’s no tomorrow, just to make absolutely sure you never find peace, happiness, joy or salvation. He drinks Haterade on the regular. He makes all the backstabbiness and shallow mindsets of every MTV reality show look like Oscar Winning Shakespearean Opera Drama.

And when you’re at your lowest he will laugh at you, mock you, make you feel like it was your fault and lie to you when the Hosts come to rescue you.

Long story short, this guy hates you and doesn’t want you to know it until it’s too late. As long as you end up in the suck with him, he’s happy–this is the alternative to Awesomesauce.

The only alternative.

Let me sum this up: The Hosts want you in Awesomesauce. They want you to make it and give you every opportunity to do so. There’s one out there that wants the absolute opposite. If you accept the invitation to Awesomesauce, then AWESOME! If you don’t… well… thats gonna really suck when you see what’s really happening.

No matter what the case is, the invitation to Awesomesauce is always available to those willing to make the journey. There are a few conditions to get in, but you wouldn’t show up to a black-tie even in sweats, or go to Cochella in a tux, would you?

I finally ran across a hidden theme permeating this wilderness journey–change.

Everything is changing.

I know it’s kind of a “duh,” thing to realize but you know… eyes being closed and whatnot.

It really became clear last night when the wife let me know something that, you know, I knew, but kinda made clear what was happening. Things are changing all around me. Everything I knew, everything I know, is being revamped.

It’d be scary if I didn’t know this was inevitable.

I’ve been asking God for a lot of things. I hadn’t realized that change would be one… but when I think about what I’ve been asking for, I have been asking for a change in myself.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.“

~Romans 12:2

I think I’m being transformed–I’m becoming who I am supposed to be and moving away from who I was (again, “duh,” but lets see how you handle having your perceptions and expectations flipped on their heads, ).

Some of the changes make me a bit sad. Some of my relationships are drifting apart, yet at the same time, some are coming together. Some of the changes should make me sad, but then I realize that associated with these changes are the shedding of my worldly expectations. These changes are good and the ones I truly want, even if I don’t like the way it feels now.

Some of the changes scare me, but they are building my trust and my faith.

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

~1 Peter 1:6,7

Not gonna lie, the idea of joy at the end didn’t make me feel better in the now a week ago. Now, I’m not worried about the end, I’m focusing on the now. The lesson for the now. The growth in the now. The change in the now.

I prayed for a renewed heart and a right spirit with God (Psalm 51:10) and I think I’m getting it. I didn’t know it would be like this but I don’t regret my prayer.

Not even a little.

The other day I was talking with my dad who reiterated to me my need to focus. He broke down to me something I didn’t realize: I’m working/pursuing five different jobs at the same time.

I hadn’t realized I was spreading myself so thin because it didn’t even feel that way, but he had a point when he told me, “You just don’t have the physical time to do five jobs. If you were single with no responsibilities, go for it. But you’ve got a family to provide for so you gotta narrow it down.”

A few years ago it would’ve been hard to hear or accept this advice from him, but with the birth of my son my relationship with my dad has taken a turn for the better. We’re headed back on track to the father/son relationship I wish I had had with him all along (this is yet another way my son is healing/revealing things in my life… and all he did was be born, lol).

So anyway, I really did stop to think about what he said. I’m working five jobs and not all of them are compatible. Three of the five could work together, but is there a future in there? Probably and it’s probably worth exploring more and praying about. One of them I can’t quite no matter  what (this happens to be my job of being a husband and father. My favorite job, ^_^). The other two are definitely side jobs. One I’m realizing is just a hobby that makes me happy, but probably not a job. The other has potential and obligations attached to it that are difficult now, but will hopefully pay off in the future.

Then there is the “dream job” that could come out of all this… and with this “dream job” come my fears and hang ups.

One of the biggest is money. You see, part of this dream job involves a camera with a specific type of lens… this lens happens to be more expensive than the friggin’ camera body itself.

The other is the combined fear of success/failure/rejection. I’m hesitant to voice this desire because I’m afraid I’ve cried wolf on my dreams one too many times. I don’t know if I even have faith in myself to follow through sometimes. I have come to a point where I’m not sure if I’m hearing God’s voice in the things I’m pursuing or my own. I want to listen to God. I want to follow Him, but I’m not always sure I’m doing what He’d have me do as opposed to what I want to do.

I know what Matthew 7:7 says,

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”

And I realize I haven’t asked for anything specific, and maybe that’s the point of all this.

I’m seeking to quite my mind and focus on him. Hopefully that will lead to an oasis in the wilderness where He and I can finally clear some things up.

I’m listening for your voice, Lord. Help me to hear you.

P.S. I realize I listed out six jobs when I’d said I’m working five. I’m not that bad at math. One of the jobs just happens to splitable by two. And yes, I know “splitable” isn’t a word.

Welcome to the English language, where new words are born everyday,

Update: And now that I’ve looked at the Nikon website, there’s an even sexier camera that I feel like I could never afford but I want… and that right there is probably why I dont’ have what I want… I feel like I’m unworthy of it…

Ah… now I know what to ask for.

I once thought that giving thanks in every situation as kinda silly and I resigned myself to do it even when it didn’t make sense. Today I learned that giving thanks even when it doesn’t seem to make sense actually has a purpose. Like with all things God, there is a “method to the madness,” (not saying God is mad, He just doesn’t make sense… if you don’t take the time to get to know Him).

In Psalm 50:23, the Lord gives a reason for giving thanks in all situations:

 23 But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me.

      If you keep to my path,

      I will reveal to you the salvation of God.”

Ah, there it is. Giving thanks has nothing to do with being grateful for the situation you’re in (in the sense of being happy to be in the situation when that situation SUCKS), but it’s a sacrifice of praise. It is showing humility towards the Lord. It shows trust.

Giving thanks in all situations didn’t make sense when Paul said it in 1 Thessalonians 5:18…

“18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

…but now it does. Now I know that when I give thanks for the things that hurt, the things that scare me, the things I simply don’t like, I’m showing God that I trust His judgement and will.

So while I don’t like the idea of being stuck in the wilderness, I’m learning to accept it and am now willing to be thankful for it.

BTW, I say willing because I admit that until this morning, I didn’t know why I was supposed to be thankful. I wasn’t looking for that answer, it just came. Now that I know the why behind being thankful, I feel I have emotional time to make up. I never want to be ungrateful to the life and lessons God is giving me.

I really had the chance to think about what it means to represent God the other day. A couple of things happened, but for today I’ll keep this anecdote short. One comment I heard that got me thinking had to do with the Tea Party idiots. Someone said that they shame the name of Jesus. I thought that was a good way to put it, when you act dumb and call yourself Christian, you shame the name of Jesus because you make those of us really trying to follow Christ look bad.

But then I got to thinking… what do I do that shames the name of Jesus?

This really made me reflect on some of the things I need to change in my life. I acknowledge that I am not perfect in the slightest and have a lot of things I need to change about myself, so I’m going to. And as I begin to continue to let go of the things holding me back from God and blessings (old habits, fears, anxieties, sin habits, etc), I’m finding the obvious next step is to pick up better things, things of God.

I know that’s kind of a dumb thing to say (let go of the bad, pick up the God), but it’s actually a conscious effort and change I’m going to have to make. For example, I need to spend more time in the Word and not wait until I’m about to hit the sack to pick up my Bible. I need to really put into practice “mediating” on the Lord. It’s time for paradigm shift… or something.

I find I’m not out of the woods yet, but this path has become a little bit clearer. I just really need to spend more time with my Navigator and His road map,

Off to do that now!

“Giving up.”

That’s what came to my mind after todays reflections. I have to give up some things in order to let God take over them.

Here’s an example of what I think God sees in me.

When my son is hungry he gets really fussy and well… pissed. But when his mom and I respond to his needs, he puts his hand in his mouth. We’ll be sitting there trying to feed him, but he’s too busy being pissed and putting his hand in his mouth to notice us there to feed him. He then has the nerve to look at us like we’re denying him something (it’s the cutest, scrunchiest, ugly face EVAR too, ^_^). We look at him like, “kid, if you move your hand and quite fussing so much, you’d be fed by now.” We patiently wait for him to get out of his own way and relax for a sec, then he gets fed and he’s happy.

I figure that’s what Day 1 was like for God. I was needing something He was ready to give me, but I was too busy fussing and being pissed to notice. This brings clarity to Matthew 18:3:

“Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven.”

My son has shown me what it is I am doing and why it is I’m probably not receiving the blessings and answers I’m looking for: I’m holding on to too much crap.

One thing I think about are all the things I thought I wanted to be or do by now. I wanted to be a successful artist, writer, photographer, something creative. So far, not so much. I’ve always loved comics and stories and I’ve always wanted to make cartoons and comics, but even now I don’t feel like I have the time or skill to do these things.

So, I’m giving up. Not in the sense that I’m giving up my hope to one day finish the story I’ve been writing since I was 14 (or making a comic or designing characters, or something along those lines), but I’m giving up worrying about when or even if I’ll get to do this.

I’m “letting go and letting God.”

P.S. Psalm 37 and 38 are amazing. More on that tomorrow… maybe…

Today I’m still battling the overwhelming frustration and discouragement threatening to crash down on me. I’m trying not to think about the unresolved from yesterday and the challenges of tomorrow, because, as I’ve already noticed, today has enough trouble.

I feel like a mountain of crap is just a small window pane away from burying me in sorrow. I can feel every shift and movement of this mountain of suck and I’m having to remind myself that my comfort doesn’t come from my efforts and there’s nothing I can do to make this go away. All I can do is face it.

And face it, the reason why the mountain of suck doesn’t smash down on me is because the God who said He’d never leave me or forsake me, who said He’d be my comfort in times of trouble, is living up to His promises.

I keep thinking the window pane keeping me safe from the death mountain waiting to overwhelm me is glass–glass that cracks under pressure, that weakens when stressed. But it’s not glass, it’s the arm of God watching over me, guiding me through the wilderness.

So like I said before, I don’t want to be in this place and I want to do everything in my power to get out. I don’t like this feeling of unsureness, I don’t really know how to get out of this place, but one thing my mom told me (she’s the one who identified this space as a wilderness) is that I can’t over think it and it’s not for me to figure out how to get out. God’ll bring me out of this when He’s done doing what He needs to do with me.

For now, I keep moving forward, keep my faith strong and keep placing my hope in Him.

Now, on to tomorrow.